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Into the Christmas mood...


I am loving the feel in the air..the chill taking me a little more closer to the days..that are passed...my childhood...after a long time the cool breeze ..just reminded me my Rkl days.....The Christmas air is just driving me crazy..Only missing my school....but I m sure I'll have a good time this year.....


Waiting for the new years eve impatiently...................Hope new year brings lots of new and good things in every ones Life....

Just got reminded of my favorite tracks...especially Jingle bells...and last Christmas.....This part of year had never been the same ever since I left for graduation..but yes there was NASA at this time every year but more than celebration it was a competition...but missed the carol competitions...the parties...and my gifts that Dad used to get for me...I will miss my favorite Santa i.e Dad...again this year...its been just too long away from home..
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Smiles......















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Me ...and my sweet moments...






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The Legend and his students...

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At Grillopolis.....some memorable time spent


With Alyque Sir

With my co actor Pranav



With Alyque sir Again


with my dearest friend


With Alyque Sir and Pranav



With My director n Mentor Gary and Stand up Comedian Umesh Pherwani


With Alyque Sir again

With Dvj Vicky



With Sitarist Madhusudan


With Nisheet - MD Grillopolis


With Gary again
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Me.............


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My Mom n me...


One of my old pics.....I found in a very old album with my Grandmom....On a lazy sunday afternoon at hostel, I sketched this out...I was 4 months old as Dad told me later after he saw this when he saw it an year later..after my college was over.
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Hai dil ko teri aarzoo.....



Hai dil ko teri aarzoo

par main tujhko na paa sakoon.....

hai ek ye khwaish.....

par tu hai jisko paake bhi na paa sakoon....

andekhi si anjani ye mohabbat hai....

mili kab tere dil se mere dil ki ye ahaatein hai....

ki tumko jitna bhi dekhoon.....

aankhon se chhoone ko chahe ye dil....

kaise kahien..

ki ab awargi itni chhayi hai...

ab bandh aankho se tum nazar aane lage ho....

hai chahat ki ye nazar...

har raat teri hi khwaab ko taake ye nazar....

har baat ab ikraara sa lagein...

baatein kitabon se pare lagne lagein...

main to yehin hoon...

tere rubaru...

par mujhko ek nazar bhi dekh na sakein tu...

is kismat ko ab main bhi kya kahoon.......






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For you..Taniya......





Dear Taniya...

Those days when my eye was injured you stood up for me...When I lost hope you motivated me...Our childhood is a gift for me because I had you.....at nights when our parents didn't allow us to watch movies...you and I had fun in my room..whenever our Moms came to check on us ...we shut our eyes tight and then giggled after she left...The sunday mornings at Gangavaram... Rinku didi's dance class...Dance shows.... you were there everywhere...Though distance binds us..years later you remembered me was more than I could ask for..I have always missed you in past lot many years....You came back to my life with spirit..You speak to me when I lose faith and again motivate me like you always did as a kid....I can thank God for giving me a best friend like you..

Thanks for being there ....With love

Pam..
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Beginning of life as a writer.....




One day Boss (Hafeez Contractor), when he did not find me seated on my desk, started calling out my name and I discussing some missing aspects with my associate. He wanted me to write an article for A+D. He felt I was the perfect person to proceed with this.

Unsure of what to do I took the mail from his hand and left it in my drawer. As a usual habit he used to leave his mobile with me whenever he went to the conference room inside, a call from Mr. Suneet Paul of A+D, left me in total surprise. He wanted to talk to me...me..did I hear it right..on Hafeez Sir's cell phone a call for me....I felt as if I was day dreaming..When Sir was back from meeting I told him about the call..and we decided that I will write on Sahara Hospital..A few days later another call from A+D, saying it has to be a hospitality building in hotel sector left me more in confusion...I know its very upsetting when Boss decides on something and he is asked a change..I told him..he did not show any interest.....A week later he called me giving me a book on Taj...saying this is your building..Taj Mount Road Chennai....he gave me required phone numbers and also permission to move anywhere and everywhere for completing my article. Once I had finished my writing after all my research..he did not even read it...That hurt me...I thought may be its not worth...and mailed it across for publication.

After this article was published I wanted to call him up and tell him about it ,instead I called up his nephew -Karl. Karl was delighted to hear this...and he advised me talk to Boss...But he did not read that night was the only problem....The next day when I gathered my courage and went to his desk, he understood I have something serious to show him...and I showed it to him I wasnt sure whther he would like it or not..but 1 sentence makes the difference for me - Gud work..thats wat he said..

This was the most memorable article. While writing about Taj one thing I always heard from my heart was - If Arshad Sir was here....
But he is no more with us and that is a fact. He was like a Father to me and at times my friend. He motivated me whenever I lost my faith in myself.

Nevertheless..I cant forget Hafeez Sir for his n number of support and belief in me,To Pearl Ma'm, for standing as a pillar of inspiration. Hafeez Sir, I cant forget the Kala Ghoda fest, The DSK work, The Rustomjee interiors.. and after the endless late nites of hard work..those days when you have been trying to convince me that I should rest for not being well, and above all for convincing my Father that you are there for me. Thank you for being there.
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The lost friend



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Journey Through The Penseive

Going through sessions of my treatments sometime back....I faced a different me..which was uncontrollable and restless. A soul that had a lot to say...from past to present....

Scared by one dream since years...my night's sleep..had lost its calm. It had been around 9 yrs I had the same dream..I tried to hide the fact from every one I knew..but when it went intolerable had to approach a doctor..but searching for a doctor whom I could talk to was scarier than the dream itself..

Ultimately I found my doctor..who was sweet and a charming lady...Initial days the therapy was normal where she took notes and gave me exercises to perform..then she focussed on my handwriting and found the flaws that affected my cycle of life..Soon she proceeded to my thought process...regular assignments..though my favorite task..of writing..but the subjects left me blank..as if suddenly I forgot my English..Writing was followed by my hobby sketching..but both my page full of words and my colorful sketch left my doctor puzzled... Loneliness is all she could see initially... then she tried to see the hidden meaning and started speaking to me which left her more and more confused each day...

Finally she decided to make me see what I was unable to see... that face she she asked me to search amongst all faces I knew and I didn't know, the face that had answer to my queries but was still faceless... I tried hard..very hard...she gave me all her support and time... but it only left me with a migrain at the end.

Then one fine day she asked me if she had the right to hypnotize me.. and start on with my dream therapy...The first day some incident of childhood..in Vizag..in school had left me hassled was identified..where I had one friend besides me as my pillar of strength..but the fear that had taken its place in my heart is intact till date which has always left me unanswerable at certain point of times when even if I have an explanation to a situation I leave it unanswered...for time to take the action..

Gradually the treatment proceeded but every time her effort to search that particular face in the lot failed...a fear that had not allowed me to sleep since years and the same fear..that panics me...exists in me but my penseive doesn't let me see through its semi permeable membrane..

I had lost my faith in anything but that thought and that face that had caged me since years had not let me see him..a run for my life and the faceless face.. the face of fear...never let me live in peace..and on the other hand there was another thought that am i going insane bothered me a lot. I decided that it would be the last day of my therapies as they are making my life go more complex and more hastened..it was clear in my mind that if I did not get my answer after the therapy I shall not come again... I don't know what went wrong during my sessions that day..and nothing got recorded...when i woke up I saw tears in my doctor's eyes and one sentence she said..never come back...

Since that day I was unable to recollect what I saw and what I said..but one vision of the vanilla sky..and underneath hall of fame....did not leave me...it has been around 4 months when I quit working as an architect and been in search of many answers that I found today... I dreamt of my life a happy life..a giggle that I can bet for ..I saw my childhood days back...and I saw that unknown face of my Saviour....and it gave me a great joy when I saw the face..because it was of that person who is my real life ideal.. and has been there in many crucial points though not physically but his instructions had been my life Saviour..I got the feeling that fear has no face and no place in life as long as i have this Saviour in my life... I first time didn't feel that I need Dad to help me... or even trouble him..because I know who I have... Coincidently I bumped into my my ideal's life a few months back...and since then I don't have my dreams ...those which really scared me.....but now i do have those that any girl after reading Snow white or Cindrella would have. Another face that my Penseive had sketched years back who came into my life searching for me....a life to be completed but will remain incomplete withe these two faces forever.....still a few answered questions and a lot many doubts arise in my heart..

The journey of the Pensieve will never end up even in next life....but has halted now....




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The Dark Day ever........

While going through the old newspaper cuttings this morning, I saw the case of 26/11/08; the felon is now under trial. 26/11, the night to be forgotten, the night that can only make the spine chill. Though nothing happened and he is enjoying the Royal Treatment from Govt. of India...
I still remember the incidents during that dark night and the luck which helped me get away from the scene of disaster. I wish everybody out there was just as fortunate.
26.11.08: Generally I do not have any fixed time to leave office especially then when I’m too engrossed in my work even if there are no submissions. Our weekly meeting for an upcoming project was rescheduled for the interiors team. The meeting took almost entire day to get over and left us exhausted. After the meeting I decided to sit down and start formulating the changes as discussed. I saw my watch it was almost 6.30 p.m. the office started getting empty. I decided to continue with the work as we had made some plans for the weekend which I wanted to abide by.
Formulating changes for 23 buildings was not one night’s work. Until a phone call from my Father at 9; I did not realize what the time was. He told me to go home early as he had been getting some abnormal vibes for the entire day. Without any intention to hurt him I started to pack my things and leave. When I opened my bag to keep my spectacles I realized that I’m not carrying any novel for my journey back home. It was that very morning when I had told Nishant that I was unable to sleep for past few nights as I was reading a book which had described black magic and riots and I have been seeing blood everywhere. It was he who had asked me not to read the book again and must have taken it out from my bag.
When I left the office premise it was almost 9.25 pm. It was a quiet night and surprisingly not many people on road. My friend had left office at 6.30 to join her room mates at Colaba hostel for a treat. I decided to call up Nishant for having dinner together before I could go home.
I suddenly saw many people rushing from Kala Ghoda area towards VT station; I did not understand what was happening. Usually I walk down to Churchgate station. I decided I should walk fast as things seemed quite weird. When I reached fountain I felt something was wrong. Without thinking further I hurried towards station. Once I reached the junction of station I heard a noise coming from a distance. It sounded like an explosion. Without being able to locate anything I thought it must be some marriage function happening nearby. I went in boarded my train and called up Nishant to ask if he was done for the day. A lady rushed inside the train saying that there’s gunfire and explosions going on everywhere. Somebody was shot dead at Leopold’s. My heart skipped multiple beats on hearing this. My friend was out and she usually goes to Leopold’s for dinner. I tried calling her but she was unreachable. I then remembered my boss was supposed to go to Taj to attend the wedding of an esteemed celebrity’s son. I tried his number but he too seemed to be out of network.
When my train reached Dadar, I heard people talking about the massacre already happening which took away all peace of mind I had. Only those thoughts came pouring in my head which were the same as I got while reading that book. I started fearing. Things were out of control. It was when my phone rang and I saw my office number blinking on my phone. I answered the call, it was a colleague who just escaped death by an inch on his way towards VT station and he had returned to office for staying back the entire night. I started shivering. I called up Nishant and met him outside his office at Malad. We thought of eating and going back to our homes. On the way to restaurant I told him what had happened. He dropped me home and I turned the television on after entering my home and saw the fiasco happening. My friend called me to say she heard the blast at Hotel Trident as they were strolling down at Nariman point sea side. It was almost the same time I heard the explosion before entering Churchgate station. The escape of the terrorist made us only fear. I sat in front of TV throughout the night seeing and panicking and unable to move.
It was the same face of that terrorist I saw in news paper this time with guilt in his eyes. It reminds of the most disastrous night I have ever had in Mumbai. I pray to God everyday to not even let anyone go through such a night again. The fear in his eyes today doesn’t seem to relate to his face that night which was shown on TV when he was killing people at VT station…if he was just composed he wouldn’t have been here in a different country being punished . After all he is also a human only if he had valued life he would have been doing something else for himself and his family in his country. Is fate decided this way? If so, then why? In Gita it is said that God resides in us, in every birth we take step more towards Him is this the way to reach Him? All questions jumbled up in my mind and we say whatever happens is for good…no that night was not good, soldiers who lost their lives, people who died those who got trapped in the hotels was not good. The day if somehow could have been removed from the calendar would have been good.
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The Goose bump effect....


Being unable to answer our own queries mostly leaves us miffed, a state of mind where everything seems so unimportant to that what the the mind has been facing then. Sitting in the garden of my society, I was thinking, that why does it become so hard at times to even analyze or know ourself. The answer definitely was with me but figuring it out was extremely difficult. The topsy - turvy of mind, saga of emotions created a drift between the mind and heart. Unable to resolve my own turmoil, I decided to go back home just when my phone rang. It was my friend Sonikaa...she wanted to meet me...so I asked her to come to my place.

Settling myself back to the bench, I tried to deviate my attention towards all the kids playing around and saying - 'Didi, join us'...but the brainstorm never left me. After some time Sonikaa joined me. Our conversation on different subjects and people helped me feel better. We spoke a lot until she told me that she is off to the Pink City to a temple..whose name I failed to remember. While she was talking about the ancient beliefs and devotion I realized that I was feeling more and more curious about some unknown matter. Moments later Nishant joined us and our discussion became more serious on the ancient temples and rituals.....just when Sonikaa introduced me with a term ' Nadi Shastra', which she had experienced at Nasik and found effective. After she left I came home and thought where should I begin my search on the same.

Coincidently, I found my friend Raj online, who apart from being a friend is also a great director...He told me about a new term ' Brighu Samhita'. The entire night i googled this terms....and learned that it is an unique form of astrology where the fortune/ fate of every individual on earth is inscribed on palm leaves. Nadi shastra is one of the most amazing confirmation of the intuitive powers and developed knowledge of the ancient sages, who possessed the capability of seeing the future of the entire universe. The primary center for Nadi Shastra is in Vaitheeswarankoli, near Chidambaram in Tamil Nadu, a state in South India. Here Lord Shiva is said to have assumed the role of a `Vaidhya` or doctor, who alleviated the miseries of his devotees. Nadi reading is not prejudiced to any caste, region, or nationality. All human beings have their destiny recorded and preserved. Due to manhandling of the leaves, certain leaves are considered to be damaged or lost. And there are certain leaves that are scattered. That is, a leaf corresponding to one person may not be available to one particular Nadi reader, and might be there with the other reader somewhere else in India. Still, many people are the first hand experience holder of the humbling experience in which they encounter the details pertaining to their lives on a mere leaf meant for them ever since thousands of years ago.


Still my mind and heart was cluttered until I came across Mr. Shekar Kapur's blog........where Ms. Kavita Kannan had written her experience on Nadi Shastra. Sha has also mentioned about the routes to find where the exact Nadi is located and their availability in either of the two temples is also depended upon the time fate has decided for us. Searching for nadi through finger prints and all other questions they ask to confirm on the Nadi of a particular individual from any part of the world, was an overall new thing I learnt that night. Every sentence I read made me shiver and my goose bumps never left me, even now when I am writing on this I can feel them. The good and bad of our lives and people related to us can be found out but only if destiny wants us to know about this. My dilemma seemed to resolve but another question that left me with a new turmoil was that - Will I ever be able to know my future......My loved one's future.....does destiny wants me to even know about myself or not....and the worst part ...even if I come to know of it .. as they say...you cannot do anything about it...you cannot just change it......

God, just help me reach my Nadi astrology sooner.........


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2nd feb 08....in Mumbai..


The cars at display


The press conference




It was a day of surprise when my art talent was recognized at 10.30p.m. in between an important telephonic conversation by my boss. He forwarded me a small cute car's image at my e-mail i.d.

Next morning he demands the printouts of the same, and after lunch he asks me if i wish to paint a big scale painting or not....He surprises me every moment.....like Dad used to..

Before I could reply him, he calls asking me.. how i wish to paint and posses a fancy car in my own choice of color, that would be iconic and vibrant....and when I asked for a canvas, he said - " my dear I give you a full car to paint"...for Kala Ghoda Festival....that was more surprising....and i was asked to leave the office soon and reach a particular address at Prabhadevi, in Mumbai.

He then informed me over telephone that there are four similar cars each of which shall be painted by people like - Krisnamachari Bose, Pavitra raja Ram, Ratan J. Batliboi.. and from Hafeez Contractor it will be myself....

After I could identify the place and my car that has to be painted, I went back to Bandra and informed my Aunti that i would not be able to return at night. I left home and at around 8-30 p.m.I reached the garage...a small silver color car..amazing and cute...and I was supposed to paint it.....beautify it..and lifting the the brush I started painting the car....trembeling and nervous...representing AHC.....

I painted the whole night and finished painting the car by 6-30 a.m. I went back home and then to office....Boss was surprised to see me at office bang on time...and when he saw the photographs on my mobile..he smiled saying "another good work"....which was sufficient to charge up my spirits for the day's work.

In the evening he gave me another surprise by letting me know that I am supposed to represent him on his behalf in the press conference next day. I was not sure what to say...Pearl Ma'm convinced me on this...and next day happened to be the biggest day of my life...
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Kamakhya..........



The maverickness off earth ended when Mother laid down her divine part on the land of Kamakhya. Mother who always stands for her kids to cradle them and to help them sigh.

Pertaining the soul to rest in peace and lay down the harmony of ultimate petiteness which is a cameo of peace and it pertains the divinity of her greatness.

This place is one of the 51 satipithas, i.e., places where parts of Sati's corpse fell to Earth during dismemberment by Vishnu (Sati being the wife of Shiva who had committed suicide after she and her husband were insulted by her father). This is the place where her yoni (vulva) fell, and this temple is sacred to Kamakhya, the Hindu goddess of sexual desire. Outside, Sarma Panda takes me to a small shrine where there is an image of Kamadeva, the god of love (or lust), the Eastern version of Cupid. It's not clear, but he seems to be holding a bow and arrow, just like Cupid.
Kamakhya as a goddess likely predates the Sanskritization of Assam. She is likely related to an important goddess of the Khasi, a tribe originally from Assam that retains matriarchal social systems and female dominance. The goddess ka-me-kha was likely Sanskritized and Brahminized to Kamakhya. This origin may survive in local Assamese pronunciation of the goddess's name, which sounds similar to "Ka-ma-kha."
The Kamakhya temple itself is one of the most important Shakta pilgrimage sites in the world, attracting millions of visitors each year, particularly for Ambuvaci Mela in June/July, which celebrates the earth's menstruation and draws upwards of 100,000 pilgrims per day during the 4-day festival.


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Genesis...Metamorphosis...Symbiosis...




Life originated as a single unit, and in our solar system where sun is the constant source of energy. Similarly, from cosmos we can relate our lives. Life originates in ovum and comes out as a child, like a tree emerges from a seedling.

The origin of Ganges from Lord Siva's hair was the true form of life. The life of man undergoes many phenomenon on earth, similarly does a tree. This change of form is Metamorphosis. this is just like imbibation, diffusion, osmosis and plasmolysis. But all these process may not undergo wilting. Millions of light years away in the Universe, cosmic energies spread all over time and space. A soul is only a size of an atom, actually less than the breath of a human hair! Like light particles floating in the cosmos, many souls are awaiting their turns to enter human bodies to fulfill their karmas-good and bad.


Symbiosis helps one or more organism to survive with the others, like the way many bacterias survive with human beings, but do not harm them, instead they help one another to grow; as viruses grow on trees, which by secreting liquids prevents bacteria and harmful germs from attacking the tree. These causes mutation in genes which changes the structure of the gene, which being DNA segment includes changes in number or arrangements. These may survive as individuals or at other times becomes an example of hybridization, but all surviving together without harming each other.
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An Utopian Thought..............


I had a dream....

A dream of a habitat..free from evil influence of society, in which a new born baby will not be engulfed by envelop of pollution, no viruses will touch her. She will grow in the cradle of nature and live a life happily forever
.
Today, as I opened my eyes, my dreams have become reality. As I move through the boulevards with butea froudossa and cassia fistula guarding my sights on both sides of my thoughts; orange, yellow flowers kissing my feet and embracing me in the lush green carpet of jatorpha - the wonder tree, source of life. I have felt the pain....of Mother Earth..all the valuables of her has been looted by some selfish people like us. No clean water to drink! No fresh air to breathe! No land to live!no food, no fuel..and so on....Oh no..I had a horrible dream..Orange, yellow flowers covering and kissing my feet as I move, turning my dream green, in the color of my precious piece of land; my earth. All I see, I feel the integrity of infinity and eternity of world, the enormous inner power of nature and man, unlimited prospects for exploration of nature and humanization by biomimcry all around me, and....

..and suddenly i wake up....to see everything beside me is the same as it was..apart from my dream that physically evacuated me,from myself.....a place where I had seen me singing songs of celebration, reciting Tagore.....Something that made me feel so good yet I feel incomplete and something that made myself reverberate my joy and delve back into my world of dream.....
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my tattoo

 
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